Saturday, May 31, 2008

The New Cemetery Teacher

My mom taught seminary for 4 years. The word incredible can't possibly describe her teaching abilities but it will have to do. She captivated her audience - zombied looking teenagers who would rather be in bed -and actually helped them learn about the Gospel at 6 a.m. I was privileged to be a part of her class. She had a hand in my development as a teacher. This includes the spiritual and also the insanely quirky.

Example 1:

We came into class and noticed that my mother had placed a ladder in the front of the room. A ladder - you know, like the thing that's rotting in your garage? Yeah, that thing. During the lesson, she proceed to get up on the ladder. And this women didn't just get on the ladder and take a few steps, she went to the very top. In a dress I might add. And then continued to teach the remaining points of the lesson.

Example 2:

Sister Kucera came to class wearing a dress with something taped on the outside of it. No one said anything about it. They didn't even blink. It might have been because she was known for doing crazy things... after all, this was after the latter incident. During the lesson, she pointed to what was taped onto the outside of her dress. Underneath the clear tape were two aspirin. The lesson was if you don't really take something the proper way, it can't help you.

Example 3:

My mom asked me to play along with her little charade for her lesson. She gave me a video game to start playing at a certain place in her lesson. I was like Mom, are you kidding me? You want me to do what? But I played along (no pun intended) anyway because really, who else would do this stunt. I will never forget the looks of horror on the faces of my friends sitting next to me when I whipped out my Little Mermaid game and started playing with the sound on extremely loud. Some kids were still asleep, some weren't paying attention at all, and I don't think some of them ever got that it was a joke in the first place. But I will never forget the scripture by Paul saying "I put away childish things".

Fast forward to me, being in the Prior Lake ward for 2 weeks when I get a call from the seminary director of the Stake telling me when my inservice meeting would be held and where to attend. Ahemm..... seminary? Youth? 6 a.m? Areyoukiddingme? Did you mean to call someone with nothing to do all day, someone sitting on the couch eating bonbons maybe? How about calling someone who has actually read the Bible the whole way through? No you say? Ok, I'm becoming Catholic next week... gonna become a nun. I'll have lots of time to read the Bible there. Cooped up there in the monastery I'll have nothing to do except read the Bible. Then, and only then, will I return after a 7 year hiatus and be prepared to teach seminary. The plus side? I'll have made all these habit wearing, aleuia singing, Sister Act friends and when they see that I'm leaving to teach a class on the New Testament they'll want to see if there's any way I can pull it off and when they do come they'll be so overpowered by the Spirit of the Lord that they will all join the Prior Lake Ward which will grow so large that we'll have to build a chapel in Shakopee (right next to my house if you would please Prez. Monson, gas is 3.95 a gallon) to fit everyone.

Here's me, here's you, where's the point? I can find it! Here it is people: I'm the new "cemetery" teacher. That's why my mom always called it. I'm not sure why, you'll have to ask her. I'm thrilled (not kidding!). It will be yet an another unexpected adventure. Life is just chalk full of them lately!

Cheers!

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

And People Still Wonder Why I'm Afraid of Animals

Jana has had her bunny for about 9 months now. It's a darling little soft haired black thing. She likes to hop around the porch and run around the chair. She seemed like a sweet little thing. I finally got the courage to pick her up and pet her the other day. It appeared harmless. I started to pet her and all of a sudden THESE RAVENOUS FANGS CAME OUT OF HER DARK BLACK HEAD AND IT CHARGED AT ME WITH THE FORCE OF 10,000 VAMPIRES! I let out this huge scream, which in turn scared the fantastic crap out of my mother who was sitting at the computer typing emails... which was really hysterical now that I think back about it. At any rate, I am over the rabbit.

I have issues with animals. It all started when I was very little. My Dad and Grandpa took me on a walk in our neighborhood. Some big dog started coming our way and I went to see the cute "puppy". It turned out to be this gigantic raving lunatic creature who knocked me over & licked me all over. My dad and Grandpa thought it was darling and so I don't think they ran fast enough to get that thing off me. I have been scarred ever since. In fact, my fear has only gotten worse over the years.

Example 1: Riverside, California. My beautiful mission. The armpit of California. Except for Canyon Lake of course.

Can you say "meth lab"? Meeeetthhhh Laaaabbbb. They are all over. You know what they use to hide their little meth labs with? Big, huge, nasty, diseased, ugly dogs. I vividly remember fighting a blue healer with my Bible while screaming and twirling in a circle because there was no where else to go. Meanwhile, the owner, standing at the top of the hill, says 'there's a reason for my no soliciting sign!'. Lovely. Burn in he*& my friend cuz that's where you're going. Might be harsh but you are the one who sicced a blue healer on Ranzen and me and there's gonna be consequences.

Example 2: Starkey Labs

A month ago I was walking to my car, minding my own business, talking on the phone with my sister Reva. All of the sudden out of the corner of my eye, these two geese come into my view. They are flying right at me. Some sort of squabble between geese, may be all in good fun for them, but there is nothing fun for me about being trapped inside some goose fight! I started screaming and running at the same time while holding on for dear life to my phone. As I dodged the squawking feathers and beaks, I got to my car and locked the door. After all this drama, I look up and see a fellow co-worker leaning against his car, laughing his head off. Evidently he had seen the whole thing. I'm surprised he didn't pull out a camera or a video recorder. Yeah buddy, why don't you have fun with the guy with the blue healer burning in a very hot place.

Since then, I've seen this same goose. I know this goose because it has this freak feather that will not lay down. Stands with a Feather is it's nickname. And when I see him, I run. I don't care how stupid I look, I just bolt.

And then about two months ago, I was walking out of work, minding my own business once again, and I hear this rustling noise coming from the garbage can. Just like those dumb girls who walk into the room when the lights don't work, I walked toward the garbage can to investigate. It wasn't dark out, and there were no gang members or psycho geese around. So I moved toward the can to see what was going on and out jumps THIS GIGANTIC RABID SQUIRREL RIGHT AT MY JUGULAR! I screamed but no one was around so it wasn't that bad.

Example 3: Backyard of my parents house.

Imagine kids playing, sun shining, bunnies jumping. My parents, for some odd reason, let my sisters have pets. Since my dad and I are allergic to cats and dogs, they needed some other options. Bunnies, hamsters, and a parakeet just to name a few. Reva adopted a little bunny and named him Max. Cute little half grey, half white thing. He loved Reva so much and would follow her around all day. We also had another bunny. His name was Charlie. Pretty calm and laid back. Until... the day in the back yard... dun dun Dunnnnnnn... Picture Charlie, eyeing Reva from across the yard. Imagine this little black and grey bunny ravaging the grass and trying to get to Reva's milky white ankle. So you think I'm joking? It grabs onto her ankle - full force - and will not let go. Meanwhile, the other kids in the backyard are watching, with gaping mouths and silent screams. The bunny will not let go! Reva is shaking her leg, trying to get the thing to release. It will not relent! Finally, with one strong kick, the bunny flies off her ankle and medical attention is sought.

Example 4: Do you really need another one? Are you kidding me? How about not being so greedy? Three is enough.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Posting Comments With Zero Hassle

Exciting news people... you can post comments without having to login!

When you click on the word "comments", it will bring up 4 options to choose from.

Choose an identity:
  • Google/Blogger (if you have a gmail or a blogger account login, you can use this)
  • Name/URL (enter your name and website if applicable **requires no login)
  • OpenID (enter AIM login)
  • Anonymous (for wussies, just click the button people, that's it **requires no login)

Example:

Ironman was the dumbest movie in the whole world. Someone should have chosen the movie Chronicles of Narnia Part II instead. And WHAT is up with the almost kissing thing but not following through? Gosh!

The Worth of a Barrell

Remember when spending your kids college education at the pump used to be a joke?

Yeah, that was awesome. And it's over. So stop your crying and get a second job.

Remember when Grey's Anatomy used to have the best writers?

Yeah, that was awesome. It's SO over. So write a letter to NBC and watch LOST instead.

Remember when Target used to have awesome clearance items like big red belts, funky purses, and dangly earrings?

Yeah, that was awesome and it's still the case! So go to Target and get to your happy place.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Brotha from Another Motha

This, my friends, is a little shout out to the men in my family. My dad has been flying solo for the majority of our childhood. All those screaming drama filled toenail painting high maintenance girls. And one man. In a house overflowing with estrogen. I think he did better than I ever gave him credit for.

Fast forward to Reva marrying Jeff... dah dah dah dahhhhhhhhhh dah dah dah dahhhhhhh... gorgeous outdoor wedding. Finally, I got my brother. I had been asking my parents for one for about 20 years.

And now, Emily captured the flag and now has Dan. That means I HAVE ANOTHER BROTHA! People! I'm ecstatic. I have TWO (2, count 'em 2) brothers! This truly is a miracle.

These boys love my sisters! They are so good to them. It really has been a beautiful thing to witness.

Things I love about my brothas:

  • sound judgment (so far... except for the Wii purchase on Jeff's part)

  • quick wit (much to my dismay when I do something stupid)

  • easy, laid back personality (hello, they married into the Wilson family - this is necessary!)

  • they will attend chick flicks if forced or tricked (they both really want to see Made of Honor)

  • handsome (goes without saying)

  • devastatingly charming (they will both tell you that)

  • amazing work ethic (el burro sabe mas que tu does not apply)

  • goofball humor (they love my peanut joke)

  • Long live my brothas!

    Wednesday, May 21, 2008

    The Least of These...

    Marla to Jake (age 3): Are you excited to get a new brother?

    Jake (making a sad face): No..... I wanted one of THESE (pointing to Chloe).

    Marla: Oh.

    What's in a Name?

    Alban
    Barker
    Chay
    Digby
    Edan
    Fergal
    Galahad
    Ham
    Innocent
    Jago
    Kyran
    Laban
    Mabon
    Napier
    Ormond
    Parsifal
    Redmond
    Somerled
    Trayton
    Urban
    Vanslow
    Warwick
    Ximun
    Yorick
    Zeno

    Vote for the one you like best. The most votes wins and Reva will bound by this blog to follow through.

    Sunday, May 18, 2008

    Congrats Dan & Emily! You are so Speedy!




    More kids.


    Chloe! Who got you that darling sucker? What? Marla did? Isn't she the best Aunt ever? I think she is.
    It all starts so young people. The girl chasing the boy and the boy trying to look "not interested". Course he did let her hold his hand.

    Seriously, what else is a 2 year old going to do with a plate.

    Jana and Melissa Calof. Melissa grew up one door down from us. She was over all the time. She was like another sister. She got in trouble right alongside the rest of us.

    The Fantastic Four.
    Jana & Stacy

    Jaja (Means Grandma in Africa) & Anna

    After a long day of making parting gifts, Stacy takes a rest on Anna's head.
    How many kids in Reva's lap? 3! I swear her next one is a boy. I win 50,000 if that's true.

    The kids!

    Chloe & Anna

    Shopping. The spent the evening with these purses, running around the house, saying they were shopping. It was hilarious.

    They took a break from shopping and did some serious bed jumping like little monkeys. I love how Jacob joined in - and even has on a necklace like the girls do. I guess it's more fun jumping on the bed when you have a big necklace on. It's more bouncy. I gotta try it.

    Reception for Dan & Emily Part II, Location: Minnesota

    Stacy made lovely parting gifts for Dan & Emily's guest. She's such a Martha!

    The beautiful wedding cake!! Laura got some special type of roses and decorated them.


    Saturday, May 17, 2008

    North and South Says it All

    http://missnemesis.blogspot.com/2008/05/conversation-between-me-and-my-new.html

    Killer Lipgloss

    Let me start out by saying that I really dislike Victoria's Secret. I avoid it like the plague. But my sister Emily introduced me to a new flavor. Cupquake. Catchy ain't it? Anyway, I love it - almost more than I love my Cake Batter lipgloss from Lipsmackers.

    So, if you are a girl, OR if you are a boy who likes a girl, run into a Victoria Secret store, with your eyes closed, and grab a few flavors. Right now there are 2 for 12 dollars. As you walk out, kick the pervert in the back of the shop checking out the ladies underwear. Sicko.

    Friday, May 16, 2008

    A Woman's Prerogative

    One day, long, long ago....... there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or complain.

    But this was a long time ago.......and it was just that one day.

    The End



    Thursday, May 15, 2008

    The Many Faces of Sweet Chloe




    The beauty about being 2 years old is that you can act 2 years old!


    Utah 2008 Quotes

    Marla, let Emily do it. She can do it. – Jeff to Marla when she was trying to fix the situation with the photographer not showing up.

    They already want to kick me off the island. – Jana to Marla after driving from Minnesota to Utah.

    We got Emily some lingerie – a Utah Jazz jersey! – Heidi and Keith, who ran to the mall on the light rail when we were waiting for the dinner to be ready.

    Throw up your hands and yell “YAY! The photographer’s here!” - Photographer. (not kidding)

    Who has the keys to the Buick?! – Marla

    I need a hot fudge sundae with peanut butter and chocolate icecream and hot fudge on top.
    – Marla, duh.

    Grandma, did you know that you live in the Ghetto? – Marla, after Andrew (Dan’s brother) told her that Ogden was the Ghetto.

    I need to go tanning. – Emily, before her wedding about 114 times.

    Jeff, I have a whole new respect for you now. I know what it’s like to sleep with Reva. – Marla, commenting on Reva’s twitching.

    Marla, you are being too loud! – Jacob, trying to watch the movie Babe.

    Would you like a starburst? Jeff
    Yes. – Marla takes two.
    I said A starburst. – Jeff

    Jeff, is it ok to put a bag in your van on the way home? - Marla
    Yes, only if it’s A bag – Jeff.

    Sandra: It’s after the DIP Dick. (talking about the turn in the road before Louan’s house).
    Richard: Is it after the DIP?

    You have to take out a mortgage to pay for this icecream!! – Hilarious lady at the custard place in Bountiful.

    I only have one more cake to frost. – Lisea (Dan’s mom) on doing all the cakes.

    You have a tent!! Do we have pony rides and elephant rides too?!! – Marla, commenting on the reception plans as the Allen family proceeded to put up a circus tent in the backyard.

    I’m going to go build my twine hut. – Andrew, Dan’s brother. Who seriously slept in his twine hut in the country. He’s 19 years old and has been working on his twine hut for a few months now with his friends before he leaves for his mission.

    Stop telling me what to do!! – Emily to Marla.

    Who let me wear that dress?! – Marla, seeing the wedding slide show of Emily and Dan. It was a horrible gray and white checkered episode.

    Mom, Dan, I forgot my laptop in Emily’s trunk of her car. – Marla, on the way to Salt Lake.
    Well you’re not getting it back. You’ll do without it! – Dad, just a tad bit annoyed.

    Emily, you are sleeping with me! – Marla to Emily in Hooper.

    Marla, are you awake? Do you want to go for a walk? Emily, in my face super early in the morning at Gordon and Louon’s house.
    Ok Emily, I’m up. Where we going.

    I could’ve done this manicure myself!! – Emily, after a horrible experience with a lady who painted nails like a third grader.

    We should call this salon SunSUCKtional! - Marla, cleverly coming up with a new name to the salon called Sunsational.

    Man, that’s a lotta chicken!! – Comment on the wedding food.

    Jake would you like some cherrios? Louon, asking Jake about breakfast.
    Um, I pretty much only eat Lucky Charms. – Jake (turns out that Lisa’s house had one box of Lucky Charms which the children (and Jeff) devoured. Ok, I had a few charms myself.

    Did you hear about the time when Dad ran into the screen at Louan & Gordon’s house? Reva
    No! Tell! Marla
    Yeah, he ran into the door and then he said ‘Who shut the door?!’
    And Jeff’s voice meekly said ‘I did’.

    Wednesday, May 14, 2008

    My Great Idea... Too bad I didn't think of it sooner.

    http://www.youboob.com/

    1.5 million!!

    My Favorite Editor

    After getting an email from Emily, my dear sweet redheaded sister, I decided to appoint an editor to my blog. Her email went a little something like this:
    -----------------------------------------------------
    Dear Marla,
    I love your blog but your blatant grammatical errors need to be reckoned with.
    Love, Emily
    -----------------------------------------------------


    Emily, I nobly deem you editor of my blatantly grammatical mess. Have fun!
    xoxoxoallingoodfunxoxox, Marla

    Tuesday, May 13, 2008

    Vampires Can Be Our Friends



    Do NOT see this movie without reading the books first. It would be a sin. I've given you plenty of time - the movie doesn't come out until December.

    Happy reading!

    Monday, May 12, 2008

    Women's Day


    The Theme: You are Better Than You Think You Are!

    We had a wonderful time at Women's conference. This year all records were shot out of the water. We had nearly 300 sisters in attendance.

    I love how President Bautista was in the kitchen, with his sleeves rolled up, ready to work. Oh how I love him! And his sweet wife Leslie, right along side him. They are such an example of kindness and love. I am so grateful for both of them and their service to our Stake.

    And sweet Carol. This amazing Stake Relief Society President who would do anything for anyone. Who does more than she thinks she does. She truly is Better Than She Thinks She Is.

    And dear Ann, our enthusiastic counselor. And energetic Kathy, the one who kept us on track and reminded us why we were serving and that it wasn't about table cloths and trinkets.

    What a wild ride I've had! I look back on it with fondness, but also forward for new opportunities to cause a little trouble. :)

    Happy Mother's Day!!

    Darling, yet hip, Olson family
    I love it that Jacob doesn't just make faces at me when I try to kiss him - it appears universal.

    We had a lovely BBQ on a semi-windy day. The Kuceras and Olsons made it home from Utah with a few eventful happenings. I kept calling them while I was at work - checking to see where they were on the map. They did pretty well I think. It was fun to have Dan and Emily back in Minnesota. They were entertaining to watch, newly married couple that they are, and I found myself giggling like a three year old when they would hold hands or slow dance in the dining room. Nevertheless, they are darling and I love them.

    On Sunday, in my new ward, I got a potted plant. The little primary kids had decorated the pots for Mother's Day. I'm proud to say that it was my sister, the Primary President's idea, and they were perfect. I grabbed my plant, and as I walked out, her home teacher ran across the church parking lot after yelling 'Are you Reva's sister?' and gave me a plant for her as well. On the way home in the car, I spilled one of the pots in my brand new white interior car.

    Then, before I was leaving for the BBQ, I managed to lock my keys in my car... and my cell phone... and my purse... and the trifle... and I'll stop listing things now because it's just embarrassing. That's what I get for being proactive and loading the car ahead of time. So I went knocking on doors in my neighborhood. I figured it was high time to meet some more of them. This isn't the first time I've done something like this. There is a reason why I have purchased the Emergency Road Side Assistance package that includes getting reimbursed for lock-outs.

    After about the 5th door, someone opened it. A single girl, with a cat that kept rubbing itself all over my pant legs. I'd love to see my face when I'm trying to be polite but obviously holding back a big kick somewhere deep inside of me. Ok, so I really couldn't kick a cat, but I sure could shove it a little. The girl let me use her phone - where I proceed to call everyone in my family but no one answered because of stupid technology named caller ID. How could they possible know that I was cat lady's house because I had locked myself out of my brand new car that only had one key?

    I finally got ahold of someone, explained my situation, and then started calling locksmiths. I found this guy named Harold. Harold, who had this big gruff voice and sounded semi scary over the phone. I wondered if it was a smart idea to call someone who sounded like an axe murderer. But I took a risk, because really, what else could I do. My trifle! Mother's Day! My phone! He came about 1/2 hour later. Harold pulled up in my driveway in this big beat up 'ol pick-up truck with his dog riding shotgun. Did you catch that? With his DOG riding shotgun. He came out with his bag of tools and I began to watch the interesting processing of breaking into a car.

    First he pulls out these chunks of wood and wedges them on my brand spanking new black glossy car. He just shoves them in there. And then he whips out this coat hanger! Not joking. Maybe it was a fancy coat hangar but it was coat hanger stillthesame. I told him 'I can't look' because I did NOT want to see this man scratch the crap out of my new car. He looks at me and says 'Oh, don't worry, you can see this. I won't have to kill you because you won't know ALL my secrets'. This is the point that I realize that we are not on the same wave length. I'm worrying about my car getting scratched and he's thinking I'm trying to get Gone in 60 Seconds lessons. He ended up getting it open without too much scratching or wedging. I paid him and he started to leave but but I noticed he had left his tools hanging on a hook in my garage, so I went to get them for him and he said 'oh yeah, I couldn't leave those!! I would've had to come over and break in to get them!'.

    I can't make this stuff up people. These are just the kind of things that happen to me all the time. Not just some of the time. My dad's favorite thing to say to me is 'Marla, it sure must be hard being you'. And I'd like to agree with him. I also realized that for Mother's day if I had any kids, I'd have to let them have a turn at doing some stupid stuff and not hog all the ideas myself.

    Cheers!

    The Official Wedding Photography Site


    Sometimes I have to shield my eyes on account of all the kissing pictures!!
    Come on people, it's my little sister.
    My favorite is the last picture on her blog...

    Wait.... the rain magically changed Emily and Dan into Hoops and Yoyo. Cool!

    Emily and Dan, May 7, 2008, Salt Lake Temple

    Saturday, May 10, 2008

    This is what happens when Emily "borrows" my camera after I've left her reception...

    Or maybe it was Dan's idea? It sure looks like Emily's arm hair... I'll just call them on their honeymoon and ask...will keep you posted.

    To Grandmother's House We Go

    These are the flowers in the front of my Grandma's house. She called them Creeping Myrtle after I said I think that's Creeping Charlie. It's only fitting that Myrtle is more attractive than Charlie don't you think?
    Chloe - at the designated porch where many of generations have sat to get their picture taken. She's the only one who would cooperate. Jake was scared to death of the box elder bugs and had to be carried over the threshold.

    Dad and Grandma Donna. What a pair. They are probably talking about types of trees or rocks.

    In the back yard of Grandma's house. There is a small stream. There used to be a filbert nut tree, a cherry tree, and a bunch of different kinds of mint - chocolate mint. I remember Grandma going back and ripping off small pieces of mint for me to smell.

    Three generations.

    Chloe and Marla.

    Darling Chloe with her favorite friend (besides me of course), her nook.

    Jake, in Grandma's kitchen, making a mess in David's spot.

    Grandpa and Jake goofing off.

    Four generations!

    Goodbye Grandma! See you soon!

    Temple Square and the Conference Center

    Gorgeous flowers at Temple Square!

    This is the Place.

    Darling Mom and Dad

    Cute Daddy

    Hey Ensign. Hire me to be your new photographer. I'd like 100,000/year. Thanks.

    Jacob, trying to escape from me. Shocker.